Friday, August 27, 2010

knock knock

who's there?


olive who?!?

can't you see i'm no good without you?

olive me ... why not take olive me?

the hole truth

i washed red, white & blue - and tigger, too ...... and look what happened...holey guacamole!!!
sheesh ... and i thought i was well rid of this monstrosity

grumble grumble grumble

Thursday, August 26, 2010

to tell the truth

i am proud to be an American ... i've never been a flag waver - but i have accepted my responsibilities and performed my duties - some more willingly than others -as Joetta Citizen...

anywho ... on monday night i placed the final few stitches on this quilt for Auntia...
red, white & blue - and tigger, too ... Auntia's picnic quilt finally has the binding on it - woo hoo!!!
during the commercial breaks of Lie to Me ... this is a Bonnie Hunter mystery quilt that i started a looooong time ago ... it is for Auntia's fireworks-watching on the Fourth of July ... it was supposed to be done for this year (okay ... okay ... OKAY ... since i'm telling the truth - it was really supposed to be finished for last year's fireworks display) but i fiddle-farted around and didn't finish it in time ... i quilted fireworks on each of the star blocks and then i did some stitch-in-the-ditching ... i should have spent a bit more time with it (i will not be showing the back of it cuz there are lottsa puckers and wrinkles) - but i was weary of having it stare at me for the past two years ... not one of my better efforts ... but it is finished ... and i will be happy to see it leave my room and take up residence in hers...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

i swear

this is where i spent my morning hours last thursday...our county tax dollars at work
because i received this in the mail...
gut wrenching mail
which is never a good thing ... and guess which number i was?!?doesn't look like you're gonna get outta this one
the three cases that were scheduled to go before the judge and jury were settled by 9:13am ... and then all fifty-three of us were thanked for showing up to do our civic duty as if we had a choice and dismissed...

"When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty"
Norm Crosby

Sunday, August 22, 2010

peach offering

i was feeling kinda guilty after my bad behavior at the beginning of the shop hop ... so i got up early the next morning before the heat started in for the day and made a peach offering...ooooo!!!
peach cobbler is one of Auntia's favorite foods ... she always ordered peach cobbler for dessert at the Black-eyed Pea - she says they make the best peach cobbler in the world ... she loves their cheese broccoli soup, too ... anywho ... we haven't been out to eat much since the Great Economic Downturn which happened for us about ten years before it affected the rest of the world and Auntia really missed eating cheese broccoli soup and peach cobbler ... so four or five years ago i decided to experiment and make it myself ... i tried every recipe i could find for peach cobbler and failed every time ... either it was too pie crusty or too bubbly or too crispy or too whatever ... and then i found this recipe...oh. my. gawd.
she really, really likes it ... it isn't quite the same as Black Eyed Pea's peach cobbler ... but she can eat and eat and eat till she can't eat any more without either of us having to take out a loan for dinner ...peachy goodness
anywho ... i think i have been forgiven ... i used the last of the peaches that were in the freezer from two years ago when the peach tree looked like this...i couldn't mow under those branches for six weeks
and we had lots and lots of peaches ... there are a lotta peaches on the tree again this year ... we've been trying to keep the squirrels those little rats with bushy tails outta the tree till they're ripe enough to pick ... i'm hoping to freeze some peaches - not squirrels for the next time i need to make a peach offering...

and there will be a next time...


have you ever wondered why sharks circle their prey before attacking?

two great white sharks were swimming in the ocean ... they spied the survivors of a sinking ship

the father shark said

follow me, son ... and do exactly as i tell you!!!

they swam toward the mass of people

first we'll swim around them a few times with just the tips of our dorsal fins showing...

and they did

well done, son!!! now we'll swim around them a few times with all of our dorsal fins showing...

and they did

now ... we eat every body!!!

and they did ... after they had gorged, the son shark asked

dad ... why did we swim around and around them? why didn't we just eat them all up when we first saw them?

the very wise father shark answered

because they taste better without the poop inside...
would you be my chum?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

bound up

last night i sewed down the binding on this...
no more getting seasick from looking at those wavy stripes
so i could give it to Princess Itty Bitty of the! a pillowcase, too!!!
for her third birthday ... now that Itty Bitty has a quilt that she actually gets to use since her mom won't let her touch this one she can stop borrowing her nonna's quilt...what's that tiger looking at?!?
the naming block is sewn on like a pocket so Itty Bitty can keep a book in it ... by the time i finished sewing my way around the edges, my Friday Night Sew-In had fast-forwarded into saturday morning ... one PhD down and only a gazillion more to go!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

moose and zukes

my sister embroidered this...hubba hubba
and this...i think i'm in love
on a tea towel just for me on accounta i love muscled moose almost as much as i love zucchini...oooo ... do those moose come in chocolate?
i thought all the zukes were gonna be mine ... but this little stinkpot...Gumdrop and her stitchery
has decided that she likes sauteed zucchini, too ... and now i hafta share ... but i don't hafta share the tea towel cuz she thinks those moose and her nonna are silly ... bwah ha ha!

the Friday Night Sew-In is this friday ... look out PhDs cuz there's gonna be some serious stitching going on around here

Friday, August 13, 2010

somewhere in the middle

last weekend was the Rocky Mountain Quilt Fever Shop Hop ... Auntia has already posted here about the hop that almost wasn't ... but that is what she had to say ... and now i'm gonna tell you what really happened in the world according to dianne ... Auntia and i (unexpectedly and quite happily) didn't have to work on friday...

the plan
a) the rest of the quilting world would be working and so
2) we would beat the weekend hopping crowds by
thirdly) starting at the shop that is farthest away and working our way toward home...

the navigator (Auntia) had Yahoo-mapped all of the routes and then i remapped them so that they fit the plan according to dianne and had a couple of additional stops (Blimpies and The Quilt Store) planned ... the treasurer (Auntia) had divided what we told ourselves we could spend which wasn't much into two equal but very small and sad little stacks of dollars ... the bailiff (Auntia) witnessed as i held my hand over Quilts from the Quiltmaker's Gift and promised to not spend more money than we had in our pockets bwah ha ha!!! and to forget that we had a credit card just in case of an emergency ... the timekeeper (Auntia) had insisted on leaving at 0800 hours and had packed emergency rations (including but not limited to fruit snacks, cereal bars, rice krispie treats, flavored water bleck and regular water ... i added goldfish crackers cuz i am not that crazy about any of that other stuff) and the camera, the Yahoo maps and her sunglasses ... we were just about to pull out of the driveway when she realized that her phone was missing ... back up the drive and Auntia rushed into the house ... i waited ... and waited ... and waited ... then i turned off the car and went inside...

i can't find my phone!!!
i'll call it ... do you hear it? it's going to voice mail ... i'll call it again ... do you hear it? it's going to voice mail ... go outside and i'll call it again ... do you hear it?
oh ... there it is.
where was it?
in the back seat

and we were off again...

remind me to buy a map of Denver when we get to the gas station.
why? we Yahooed everything!
cuz i promised myself last year that i wasn't going on another shop hop without a map.
why? we Yahooed everything!
remember the toll road incident?!?
oh ... okay.

we arrived at the gas station ... i swiped the card and opened the gas cap ... wiped it off and wiped off the area around the gas cap ... looked around to make sure there was no tanker in the parking lot ... took the hose off the hook and placed it in the gas opening ... clicked it on ... took the courtesy squeegee and started cleaning the windows ... i worked my way around the car and back to the gas pump...

oh. my. gawd. how much is a gallon of gas this week?!? the pump is reading $59 and we haven't even
started this road trip! we had half a tank of gas ... it's only a sixteen gallon tank ... wait a minute ... that isn't even possible ... oh ... i forgot to flip the gas lever ... oops ... boy, do i feel like an expletive deleted idiot

flip ... splash ... gas spilled all over me...

expletive deleted ... now i'm gonna smell like gas all day ... sheesh ... okay ... 8.5 gallons ... that's more like it

i replaced the gas cap ... Auntia wrote down the numbers and cleared the mileage ... i started the engine ... left the parking lot ... headed out on the highway...

i feel like i'm forgetting something...
did you buy a map?
expletive deleted

i'd forgotten about rush hour traffic ... an hour to make a 35 minute drive ... nuf said ... we finally arrived at High Prairie in Parker ... i love this shop ... it has my kinda fabric and patterns and sample quilts ... and the best thing about it is the big purple bathroom - even the ceiling is purple ... they had set up a demonstration table outside the bathroom, so while i was waiting in line (yes, 0930 hours and a twenty minute wait for a pit stop) i watched the charm pack sized Twister being put through its paces ... i wanted one of those puppies! i picked up one and worked my way toward the cashier line ... i kept losing track of Auntia ... she is not a tall person and i couldn't see her over the displays ... she hadn't eaten and she was pissy ... i'd find something else that i thought was cool and track her down ... and she'd mutter whatever and i hate crowds! and are you finished? and are you ready to leave?
i heard rumors throughout the shop that there was a limited amount of the shop hop featured fabric ... Auntia and i had a little discussion about how much we needed versus how much we said we could spend on the hop and agreed that the only way to buy the fabric and still eat lunch was to take out the emergency credit card ... she was totally out of patience and didn't want to stand in line to get the fabric cut ... so i waited till the cutting table cleared out to just one older woman with a walker ... i got in line just behind and to the left of her and started to wait ... i waited ... and waited ... and waited ... she couldn't decide how much of the featured fabric she wanted and thought and thought and thought ... i didn't have a problem with that ... not at all ... even if she wanted ten yards of each, there was gonna be enough for me ... so i waited ... and then another woman with a big black leather purse moved in ... she pushed her way in front of me ... i stepped closer ... she moved in some more ... i stepped up even closer ... she whacked my elbow with her purse ... she picked up what seemed to be the last bolts of the featured fabric and handed them across the table ... i was holding my numb arm in shock and struggling to find the right words to tell her just what an expletive deleted she was when she said she had three orders for both bolts and needed a total of twentysomething ... and that's when i lost patience ... i emptied my arms of all of those lovely goodies that i really, really wanted and stomped out of the store ... i grabbed poor little Singe outta the car seat and slammed his bum on top of the car to take his picture ... i had, by that time, lost it with Auntia, too...

i've had it!!! i've totally expletive deleted had it!!! between the rude expletive deleted shop hoppers and you ... i am totally ready to go the expletive deleted home!!!
fine! fine! then let's go home!


we can't go home...
why not? i am fine with just going home!
cuz ... i don't know how to get there from here ... i only know how to get to the next shop from here and i don't have a expletive deleted map!!!

i handed Auntia the snack bag and told her to eat something ... and we continued on toward Holly's Quilt Cabin ... and ... somewhere along the way i apologized to Auntia for my foul mouth and for blaming her for that mean old expletive deleted beeotch with the black leather purse and she apologized to me for forgetting to eat again and for disappearing on me and we had a really good time the rest of the day

and the truth lies somewhere in the middle