Friday, August 13, 2010

somewhere in the middle

last weekend was the Rocky Mountain Quilt Fever Shop Hop ... Auntia has already posted here about the hop that almost wasn't ... but that is what she had to say ... and now i'm gonna tell you what really happened in the world according to dianne ... Auntia and i (unexpectedly and quite happily) didn't have to work on friday...

the plan
a) the rest of the quilting world would be working and so
2) we would beat the weekend hopping crowds by
thirdly) starting at the shop that is farthest away and working our way toward home...

the navigator (Auntia) had Yahoo-mapped all of the routes and then i remapped them so that they fit the plan according to dianne and had a couple of additional stops (Blimpies and The Quilt Store) planned ... the treasurer (Auntia) had divided what we told ourselves we could spend which wasn't much into two equal but very small and sad little stacks of dollars ... the bailiff (Auntia) witnessed as i held my hand over Quilts from the Quiltmaker's Gift and promised to not spend more money than we had in our pockets bwah ha ha!!! and to forget that we had a credit card just in case of an emergency ... the timekeeper (Auntia) had insisted on leaving at 0800 hours and had packed emergency rations (including but not limited to fruit snacks, cereal bars, rice krispie treats, flavored water bleck and regular water ... i added goldfish crackers cuz i am not that crazy about any of that other stuff) and the camera, the Yahoo maps and her sunglasses ... we were just about to pull out of the driveway when she realized that her phone was missing ... back up the drive and Auntia rushed into the house ... i waited ... and waited ... and waited ... then i turned off the car and went inside...

i can't find my phone!!!
i'll call it ... do you hear it? it's going to voice mail ... i'll call it again ... do you hear it? it's going to voice mail ... go outside and i'll call it again ... do you hear it?
oh ... there it is.
where was it?
in the back seat

and we were off again...

remind me to buy a map of Denver when we get to the gas station.
why? we Yahooed everything!
cuz i promised myself last year that i wasn't going on another shop hop without a map.
why? we Yahooed everything!
remember the toll road incident?!?
oh ... okay.

we arrived at the gas station ... i swiped the card and opened the gas cap ... wiped it off and wiped off the area around the gas cap ... looked around to make sure there was no tanker in the parking lot ... took the hose off the hook and placed it in the gas opening ... clicked it on ... took the courtesy squeegee and started cleaning the windows ... i worked my way around the car and back to the gas pump...

oh. my. gawd. how much is a gallon of gas this week?!? the pump is reading $59 and we haven't even
started this road trip! we had half a tank of gas ... it's only a sixteen gallon tank ... wait a minute ... that isn't even possible ... oh ... i forgot to flip the gas lever ... oops ... boy, do i feel like an expletive deleted idiot

flip ... splash ... gas spilled all over me...

expletive deleted ... now i'm gonna smell like gas all day ... sheesh ... okay ... 8.5 gallons ... that's more like it

i replaced the gas cap ... Auntia wrote down the numbers and cleared the mileage ... i started the engine ... left the parking lot ... headed out on the highway...

i feel like i'm forgetting something...
did you buy a map?
expletive deleted

i'd forgotten about rush hour traffic ... an hour to make a 35 minute drive ... nuf said ... we finally arrived at High Prairie in Parker ... i love this shop ... it has my kinda fabric and patterns and sample quilts ... and the best thing about it is the big purple bathroom - even the ceiling is purple ... they had set up a demonstration table outside the bathroom, so while i was waiting in line (yes, 0930 hours and a twenty minute wait for a pit stop) i watched the charm pack sized Twister being put through its paces ... i wanted one of those puppies! i picked up one and worked my way toward the cashier line ... i kept losing track of Auntia ... she is not a tall person and i couldn't see her over the displays ... she hadn't eaten and she was pissy ... i'd find something else that i thought was cool and track her down ... and she'd mutter whatever and i hate crowds! and are you finished? and are you ready to leave?
i heard rumors throughout the shop that there was a limited amount of the shop hop featured fabric ... Auntia and i had a little discussion about how much we needed versus how much we said we could spend on the hop and agreed that the only way to buy the fabric and still eat lunch was to take out the emergency credit card ... she was totally out of patience and didn't want to stand in line to get the fabric cut ... so i waited till the cutting table cleared out to just one older woman with a walker ... i got in line just behind and to the left of her and started to wait ... i waited ... and waited ... and waited ... she couldn't decide how much of the featured fabric she wanted and thought and thought and thought ... i didn't have a problem with that ... not at all ... even if she wanted ten yards of each, there was gonna be enough for me ... so i waited ... and then another woman with a big black leather purse moved in ... she pushed her way in front of me ... i stepped closer ... she moved in some more ... i stepped up even closer ... she whacked my elbow with her purse ... she picked up what seemed to be the last bolts of the featured fabric and handed them across the table ... i was holding my numb arm in shock and struggling to find the right words to tell her just what an expletive deleted she was when she said she had three orders for both bolts and needed a total of twentysomething ... and that's when i lost patience ... i emptied my arms of all of those lovely goodies that i really, really wanted and stomped out of the store ... i grabbed poor little Singe outta the car seat and slammed his bum on top of the car to take his picture ... i had, by that time, lost it with Auntia, too...

i've had it!!! i've totally expletive deleted had it!!! between the rude expletive deleted shop hoppers and you ... i am totally ready to go the expletive deleted home!!!
fine! fine! then let's go home!
fine!!!
fine!!!

except...

we can't go home...
why not? i am fine with just going home!
cuz ... i don't know how to get there from here ... i only know how to get to the next shop from here and i don't have a expletive deleted map!!!

i handed Auntia the snack bag and told her to eat something ... and we continued on toward Holly's Quilt Cabin ... and ... somewhere along the way i apologized to Auntia for my foul mouth and for blaming her for that mean old expletive deleted beeotch with the black leather purse and she apologized to me for forgetting to eat again and for disappearing on me and we had a really good time the rest of the day

and the truth lies somewhere in the middle

7 comments:

The Twilight Quilters Coven said...

Yes, the truth always lies somewhere in the middle.....

Jennifer said...

A Shop Hop is supposed to be fun, remember? Have to say I do like the feature fabric, did you buy any?

Jennifer said...

The comment verification just now was raviscus, it that how you and Auntia felt on your trip? You both felt a little raviscus?

Gretchen said...

When good shop hops go bad... How terrible. Hope you salvaged some of the day. Did you find any goodies? I'm going to check out Auntia's version. Hope that one has a happy ending.

Mama Spark said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is SO funny!! Sorry you guys had the issues but THANKS for sharing! You made me laugh!

Annemiek said...

Next time, open your mouth to the big leather purse and rant at her. And take me, I would have laughed all day long. Now I'm going to read your DD's story in which she'll probably blame you for all that went wrong. Did you have a nice day in the end or did you really go home after mrs. leather bag??

MamaT said...

You're soooo funny! I love to read your posts.