Monday, November 30, 2009

Orville Wright Redenbacher aka Popcorn

thanksgiving ... roast turkey ... and the leftovers from tommy turkey ... i finished clearing all the meat off the bones seems like a better word than carcass, eh? and sat down to read a few blogs before the game started ... i laughed when i read this post by Tanya ... and then i remembered that i never did tell the sad and disturbing story about a very, very stupid (and very dead) bird and Mrs. Moth...

once upon a time in september there lived a grey bird who didn't know when to keep his beak out of places where he should not be ... he flew around the blue sky and then landed upon the roof at a month of sundays ... being a ground feeder and not finding a comfortable place to roost since the roofers had eliminated the overhang where he and his buddies used to like to hang out and poop this grey bird had absolutely no business there ... but he decided to poke around anyway ... he hopped over to a brown metal square and pecked at it a bit ... he realized that it was not food, but he decided to investigate a little further ... he hopped under the metal square and found a round tube ... there was very little clearance between the top of the metal square and the edge of the tube, but this grey bird was too beaky to let it go at that ... he squished himself up onto the edge of the round tube ... he pecked a bit and turned his head, scoping the tube with his beady eyes ... he pecked a bit more ... and lost his balance ... and found himself sliding down the round tube ... he fell and fell and fell ... he scrabbled and clawed and tried to stop his slide on the slippery slope to the depths of darkness ... he thudded to a stop ... bruised ... broken ... peck ... peck peck peck ... peck peck peck peck peck ... he heard voices asking who was popping popcorn in the microwave and he stopped ...... peck ... peck peck peck ... peck peck peck peck peck ... he heard the voices again ... he fluttered and gasped and pecked and flapped and scrabbled ... but he could not get out ... he heard the voices again ... one of them was calling animal control ... there's a bird in my microwave vent and i can't get him out ... no, the vent won't budge ... no, i can't see it, i can hear it ... yeah, it sounds like popcorn popping in the microwave ... uh huh ... that's right, a bird ... no, i don't think it's an endangered bird ... well, it has grey feathers - i think it's a pigeon ... you only rescue endangered birds? well ... maybe this is a famous bird ... maybe it's Orville Wright Redenbacher ... the kids named him Popcorn ... so, how do i get him out of the vent?

now, what the bird didn't hear was the animal control officer on the other end of the phone telling dianne to climb up onto the roof and lower a string down the vent ... he told her that the bird would take hold of the string with his beak and she could slowly pull him out ... he warned her that when the bird saw who was on the other end of the string, he might freak out and fall back down and she would have to start all over again, but it was certainly worth a try ... the animal control officer seemed to be very sincere and eager to help ... dianne is an incredibly gullible woman ... and she has been on the receiving end of countless pranks ... and she has, for the most part, been a pretty good sport about being the butt of jokes ... but she really expected better of the public servant (whose salary is paid by hardworking taxpayers like herself) who answered the phone when she asked for help ... so, if the Westminster Animal Control officer who gave her this line of bee ess ever reads this post ... well ... just know that she thought you were a whole lot unprofessional ... and maybe just a wee bit funny

seriously? yeah ... right ... seriously?!?! ...... no, that's not gonna happen ... uhm ... thanks? ...... the little grey bird pecked a few more times before he died ... and that is why Mrs. Moth was helping dianne take apart the microwave vent...

we were finally able to shove the vent to one side enough to reach the bird, but neither one of us wanted to touch it ... that's what tongs were made for, right? i poked the tongs through the opening and on either side of the bird and then froze ... i could not make myself squish the tongs together ... so Mrs. Moth took them from me and did the deed ... feathers were fluffing around (have i mentioned my pteronophobia?) and the grey bird's feet were poking through (have i mentioned my orinthopodophobia?) as she stuffed his lifeless body into the tripled plastic bags that i was holding to catch him in ... all of this while both of us were standing on step stools with our eyes shut tight ... shiver ... and then she put the vent back together while i disposed of Popcorn ... it was an altogether unpleasant experience that i decided to not blog about till i could find some humor in it ... it is kinda funny ... unless, of course, you look at it from Popcorn's beady eyed point of view

fear makes the wolf bigger than he is
german proverb

Thursday, November 26, 2009

happy thanksgiving

clockwise - beginning with the monkey - is Gumdrop, Mrs. Moth (who has way cooler panda slippers but didn't wear them this morning), LuLu, dianne, NoJo and Auntia
from my house to yours ... where there was a surprise visit from the m&m's this morning ... they must have smelled the coffee cake baking in the oven... LuLu has her first bite of dianne's world famous coffee cake
and headed on over ... where they found their lazy nonna still in her jammies
rumpled and crumpled
pondering what ails the world and how to fix it
whilst sipping coffee and reading the newspaper
and wondering
how much longer till it's time to eat?
how much longer is the parade?
how much longer till it's time to eat?!?
when will i get to see Santa?
how much longer till it's time to eat?!?
when is the game?
how much longer till it's time to eat?!?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

i think that i shall never see

a poem as lovely as seventeen trees...
what kind of trees are those? lodge pole pine? scotch pine? sequoia? white pine? maybe spruce?
the inner borders are on the lone wolves quilt for the Other One's birthday ... i was gonna add a plain border of dark blue sky but it just didn't look good next to the lighter sky ... and i didn't have enough of the lighter sky because it is of course directional ... what to do? what to do? what to do? sheesh ...... when i made the trees for the center i had 96 (if you do the math, it should have been just 90 - but i made an extra tree, just in case) little bonus half square triangles of lighter sky and green trees ... lots of little blocks with nowhere to go ... so i put them together into a giant tree ... i dunno why - it just seemed like the right thing to do with them ... and then i had a giant tree with nowhere to go what to do? what to do? what to do? so i thought nothing ventured, nothing gained and started whacking away ... i split the giant tree in half ... and came up with the side borders ... the top and bottom are mountains from the striped fabric ... i'm still undecided on the outer border - i was gonna make sawtooth stars with the snow and paw prints' fabrics, but the top doesn't really need to be any longer and sometimes i just don't know when to quit ... i haven't used any of the dark blue sky yet, so that's a possibility ... or maybe just a plain old border of the paw prints' fabric ... meh ... the excitement has worn off and i think i'll just put it away for awhile

in the meantime...

Elaine is having a giveaway ... i love Elaine's blog ... she has been sharing her cruise adventures and has wonderful pictures of food and fun and beautiful places to go and lovely people to meet ... if you haven't already, go there to visit - you WILL be inspired!

i have an email buddy who likes to send me uplifting-feel-good-everybody-loves-you messages and i usually open them and think what the...?!? this is the latest, with a few modifications...

there comes a point in your life when you realize:
who matters
who never did
who won't anymore
and who always will...
there are reasons why some of the people in your past didn't make it to your now
and why some of the people in your now won't make it to your future
from an unknown author - edited by me

Saturday, November 14, 2009

a winter's day

in a deep and dark november ... yes, i do know that technically it isn't winter till the solstice ... try telling that to my freezing fingers and cold nose ...... today was our fifth Saturday Sampler 3 meeting at The Quilter's Studio ... i forgot to put some kleenex in my pocket so Auntia went in without me while i headed back to the car ... when i arrived on the scene there was only one chair left and it wasn't next to my baby girl ... Auntia gave me an i'm so very, very sorry look ... we don't know the names of most of the people who frequent the shop, so we've made up names for some of them ... the quilter next to the empty chair is the one we call More Than a Gardener ... More Than a Gardener said your daughter told me that she was saving this seat for you ... no-she-didn't-we-always-sit-next-to-each-other-she-wouldn't-do-that-to-me ... oh yes she did ... mutter mutter mutter ... so i sat down next to More Than a Gardener ... in the front row ... far far away from my baby girl ... i kept looking back at her and giving her my pathetic how could you do this to me? look ... we need to get there earlier next time ... anywho - Sheri gave us our new fat quarters and the instructions for this month's block ... we wandered around the shop after the meeting and Auntia found the dark blue sky fabric (thank you for the suggestion, Jennifer!) from the Lone Wolves line ... i think i am going to use it for the outer border of The Other One's quilt ... now i won't have to order it and wait and wait and wait ... and now i don't have an excuse to not work on the inner border, either ... mutter mutter mutter ... anywho, this is where we found Mingo when we walked out the back door...looks like Mingo has been a bad little flamingo
yep - there he is, sitting on the naughty spot

there is a temporary ban (due to the H1N1 virus) on children under the age of 14 visiting the assisted living center where Little Nonnie resides ... none of her great-grandchildren have been able to visit her for several months ... my sister offered to help Little Nonnie escape for a few hours today so we could celebrate her 85th plus two weeks and 3 days birthday ... i baked a cake...yo - Traveling Man - german chocolate cake - your favorite! don't worry - i ate a piece or two for you!
...and brought a crockpot filled with meatballs and italian sausage and sauce for sandwiches ... and grilled peppers and onions and lottsa mozzarella ... man oh man were they good... NoJo and Gumdrop and Itty Bitty colored and stickered while Little Nonnie whacked away at the cake...mwaaahhhhahhhahhha! whack whack whack!!!
...Mrs. Moth and LuLu were the only ones brave enough to sit near the knife-wielder...rubber ducky, you're the one
...did you notice the sign behind LuLu?ha ha ha! does my sister have some cool stuff or what?
Mr. Husker doesn't like eye-talian food or a house filled with women and he stayed outside and did whatever it is he does when he's out there - so NoJo was outnumbered by women nine to one - i heard some noise in the breezeway and when i looked around the corner, i saw Mr. Husker backed up to the wood stove, trying to warm up his bum ... he said it's kinda cold out there ... ya think?!? it didn't get above freezing all day!!! if you look up understatement in the dictionary, you'll find his picture
and now it is snowing like crazy ... we're supposed to see 8-12 inches by this time tomorrow ... brrrr!!!

this is Earth Science's birthday ... thirty-three years ago i found myself lying in a little room in St. Joseph's Hospital totally in love with and hopelessly enamored of my beautiful little baby boy ... and i hope that today he has had the happiest birthday ever!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

howling at the moon

when i searched online to find out how to spell the howl of a howling wolf ... which i did not find ... but searching is always fun ... i found this ... i didn't know that wolves bark, woof, whine, whimper, yelp, growl, snarl and moan more than they howl ... and i realized that i have a whole lot more in common with them than i thought since i have been known to bark, woof, whine, whimper, yelp, growl, snarl and moan ...
anywho, i made a bit of progress on the 60th birthday quilt for my brother ... no, not that brother ... the Other One...
okay ... okay ... OKAY ... so it shouts a little bit ... but it's not on accounta i didn't try to be quiet ... and the tree in the middle of the middle isn't really missing its point - i just did a mediocre job of pressing it
...not exactly what i had planned - i have made yet another couple of notes to myself that if i want all of the paws to go in one direction, then i need to set them on point ... i don't know why it is always a surprise to me when i lay out the blocks and they aren't going where i told them to go ... anywho, the center is ready for some border inspiration ...... i'm waiting ... waiting ... waiting ...... nope ... i got nothin' so far ... whimper ... yelp ... whine ... moan

thank you

to all of our veterans
and to all of our men and women who are now serving in the military of the United States of America
thank you from me and the rest of a grateful nation

veterans day

For it has been said so truthfully that it is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the agitator , who has given us the freedom to protest. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom to abuse and burn that flag. Zell Miller

On this Veterans Day, let us remember the service of our veterans, and let us renew our national promise to fulfill our sacred obligations to our veterans and their families who have sacrificed so much so that we can live free. Dan Lipinski

Friday, November 6, 2009

why men should not go shopping with their wives

the following was sent to me by one of my email buddies ... it just so happens that he is male, married, and retired - but his name is not Mr. Samuel, so i don't think he's the guy in question...

i retired, my wife insisted that i accompany her on her trips to Target. unfortunately, like most men, i found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. equally unfortunate, my wife loves to browse.
yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target...

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other peoples' carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that, in turn, resulted in a union grievance, causing Management to lose time and costing the Company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

yoo hoo!!!

i ran out of red fabric when i was adding the outer border to Mr. Husker's Homestead ... not to worry ... i knew they would still have some at Hobby Lobby and i was armed with a 40% off coupon ... of course, the fabric was already on sale ... for 30% off - doesn't that just figure? i hate it when i actually remember my coupons but everything i want is already on sale for more - so i used my coupon for another Moon in My Room just don't tell anybody cuz it's gonna be a christmas present ... but look who was calling...
yoo hoo!!!
i'm 50% off!!!
you know you want me!!!
i'm 50% off!!!
i'm pink and lovable!!!
and did i mention that i'm 50% off?!?
little flamingo fairie with her magick wand
... and i just couldn't walk away from such a pitiful little baby with big blue eyes